Yesterday was a pretty hard day. A number of things were going on and that about sums it up. It's the totality of it all. For whatever reason my situation is just now really starting to sink in. I've wondered where the emotions are and why I haven't had any. Why I haven't cried or been mad or felt doubt. Well, it's here now.
It is hard not to think about things that may or may not happen. This is compounded by the fact that I quite literally don't know what's next or when it happens. I have lost all control over my life. I am quite literally waiting for others to tell me where to be and when to be there. Someone else is determining my tomorrows. I don't like this.
I have been ignoring my phone. I don't know how to explain myself and I am consumed with this cancer crap. I can't get out of my own head. I wish I could talk to someone but I have no idea how to do it or who would even want to listen to all of this. I'm a mess and I need to figure it out.
My baby is leaving for college in two weeks. I want to be happy and interactive and as present as possible. I am angry that this bs is interrupting the time I have left with him. I have been placed on bedrest, essentially, instructed to sit and stay still. This is not how I want my child to remember me.
Cancer is hurting me and making me angry and depriving me of control over my life. I hate cancer.
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