Reflection

Happy Halloween. I find it an odd holiday anymore. First, you trick or treat as a child. Then you party to celebrate. Next you take your own children trick or treating. Then suddenly, the kids are gone. What to do? Well, hand out deluxe treat bags (good way to bribe the kids to come back next year). Offer "adult" treats. Host an Open House. Sounds like a pretty good evening to me! So if you are in my area, come on over tonight!

No better way to close the month of October than to get a ct scan of my breasts. Easy peasy and completed this morning. I should have results pretty quickly. I find it ironic that my insurance will pay for scans to find more cancer but will not pay for the medication to stop the cancer from growing and coming back.

I am fortunate to have an appointment set with the Director of Clinical Research/Director of the Breast Cancer Clinic at Fred Hutch Cancer Center in Seattle. I see her November 21. I am hoping that the fact that she was willing to see me is indicative of her having something available for me. Immunotherapy, a trial, or the knowledge of where I can go to get that.

I am reluctant to revisit the place that almost killed me when I had leukemia and my bone marrow transplant. Not in a negligent way but in the fact that the treatment literally kills you to try to save you. I have a lot of dark and difficult memories from living there and going through it all. I am very fortunate and grateful that one of my besties has agreed to go over with me. We will make it into a mini-trip with some good food, good wine, and good times.

As some of you know, the last couple of months have been challenging for me, physically and emotionally. In summary, I have continued to have health problems, one after another. It truly doesn't seem to end. Maybe it never will. Perhaps I would be healthier, at least emotionally, if I accepted that this may just be how it's going to be.

So depressing. It's hard to tell, when one is depressed, if the fatalistic attitude and thoughts are a result of reality or one's depression. Or some odd blend of the two. But yes, I am struggling a bit. It's overwhelming to grasp that this may continue. That this is it. Please don't let it be so.

In resolution, I've decided to remind myself to start every day with gratitude. I am going to determine something special about each and every day. I suppose a form of "live life to the fullest", on a budget.......

I hope you all will see the delight and joy in children's faces today as they proudly don their costumes and seek out delicious treats. Smile at the memories!